Day 9

This morning, the scale read 272.4  Woohoo!  I continue to be motivated as the scale continues on the downward trend.  I can't help but my brain is visualizing the scale going down in tens... 260, 250... ah, my clothes will look fantastic on me.  240, I haven't been there in awhile and it's all attainable.  Then 200... I would have to go shopping!  Oh, darn.  Part of me says, "Don't get ahead of yourself."  But the other part of me says, "Dream away, because when you visualize it, you make it your reality."  The more I focus on these decreased numbers, the more intent I will be to make them my reality, so I'm going for it.

Day 8

Today begins Week 2.  I weighed in at 174 today, so a net loss of... 4.3 lbs.  Yay!

It was a rough week.  Day 1, I was pretty much just miserable all day, running a constant, "Do not eat," over and over in my head.  It is SO hard to beat the cravings.  But I made it through the day.  It helped to talk to people on the phone, just talking instead of doing nothing, to pass the time.  Even watching a movie leaves the door open for snacking.  But I did it.  I didn't eat anything that wasn't on my plan.

Then one day after tutoring, the very sweet mommies brought me my favorite Starbucks treat.  It sat on the counter for 30 minutes before I finally caved and drank it.  It wasn't helping that the scale was refusing to budge.  It was a small version of the treat, thank goodness, and I enjoyed every last drop of it, along with indulging in the last three episodes of one of my favorite shows.  Then since I'd already blown it, I ate some mint chip ice cream too.  That is my downfall.  The perfect food, mint chip ice cream.  But now it's gone and I do not intend to buy any more to keep in my freezer!

The other days went better.  I was helping my mother clean out some cabinets at her house one day during the week, and I had had a light breakfast, thinking I'd be home around 1:00 PM.  By 3:30 PM, my tank was empty.  I just collapsed.  I could barely lift my arm.  Thankfully, she had some lunch meat, so I spread some cream cheese on it and rolled it up... a nifty and tasty treat.  Along with a spoonful of peanut butter and I was good to go for another 90 minutes.

Enter the 4th of July.  No crazy BBQ or fancy desserts.  I wandered around Sam's Club looking for easy, prepared dishes that would be easy and quick for me during the week.  And that wouldn't heat up the house.  Bought a beautiful piece of salmon.  For dinner, I was spoiled with a ton of fresh King Crab legs and butter... so, so good.  And some halibut.  I saved the salmon for another day.  There was so much crab, I had to put some of it in the fridge!  That has never happened before.

In the end, it was all worth it, to see the results after a week.  I thought I'd lose about 2 lbs, maybe 2.5.  So to lose 4 in a week... I'm thrilled.  Now, will I maintain, or keep on the trajectory?  We'll find out, because I'm motivated to keep this up!

Day 2

Yesterday sucked.  All day long, I wanted to go into the kitchen, not because I was hungry, necessarily, but because I was bored.  These days, weeks, months at home have formed a bad habit.  There's nothing else to do.  And when I find something to do, it's usually being creative in the kitchen, trying new recipes, tweaking recipes I find, using different ingredients, etc.

But I did it.  It was NOT easy, but I did it.  And this morning I'm down two pounds.  Yippee!  I don't have anyone to really celebrate with, and it seems silly to celebrate something that could come back with a glass of water, so I am celebrating here with you, my blog, my outlet.

And actually, it won't come back with water, because I drank SO much water yesterday.  That was one of my strategies.  Every time I wanted to eat, I drank a cold glass of water.  My food consisted of cottage cheese, 2 eggs, turkey sausage, a spoonful of peanut butter, seltzer water... I feel like I'm leaving something out.  But I made sure it was protein based and little to no carbs.  Oh, it was cheese!  I ate some cheese for a snack.

Today, I am heading to the market to stock up on veggies and fresh proteins.  Clear out the fridge of any temptations.  This is do or die.  And my new juicer is supposed to arrive today.  With the way deliveries have been the last few months, I'm not holding my breath, but I'll be super excited if it actually does.  Fingers crossed the scale continues on this downward trajectory!

My Journey, Day 1

This quarantine is killing me.  And I want my life back.  I am taking my life back.

In Spring, 2019, I met a wonderful man who spoils me to bits.  That is where the weight gain started.  Going out to amazing dinners.  Being treated to delectable breakfasts.  And he was in love with all of me, physically, mentally, emotionally, whether I gained 30 pounds or not.  I had NEVER had this before and I loved every second of it.  I still do.

Fast forward a year.  We're still going strong, but between that weight gain and COVID-19, I am unhappy with the direction my body is taking.  My clothes aren't fitting right.  I don't feel good.  I don't feel confident and fabulous like I did when I met him.  I mean, I KNOW I'm still fabulous, but I don't FEEL fabulous, and I want to feel amazing like I did before.

I know what I need to do, but I'm having a hard time doing it.  It doesn't help at all that my routine has been totally disrupted and I have nothing to do.  There's no accountability and no social dynamic to check in with anyone.  I can have the best laid plans, buy the healthiest food, and if I don't do it, nothing happens at all.  I don't even have to tell anyone about it.  There are no consequences.

On a whim, I bought into the latest craze... the KetoFast supplements.  I have no idea how they will work, because I haven't taken them yet.  Well, I just took the first one about half an hour ago.  But the purchasing was a disaster.  They ran unauthorized charges on my account for orders I didn't make. 
After a 90 minute hold for Customer Service, I reached someone who refunded those charges and I thought I was good.  Then my purchase didn't arrive.  I called again and was told there was nothing they could do because my order was cancelled.  I was upset and felt I had been scammed, but then the order did actually arrive, so I took some deep breaths and I'm trying to get back to the place I was when I started, when I felt optimistic about what it might do to help me get started on my weight loss journey.

Another thing I've been wanting for about a year has been a juicer.  I had one years ago, but I expressed my interest again last weekend, and my boyfriend, also a major foodie, recommended I watch "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead," which I found on YouTube.  I watched the entire thing and the next morning, I ordered a juicer.

Will I be entirely Keto, keeping carbs under 20 g per day?  Probably not.  Will I be on a juice fast for 60 days?  Probably not.  But if I can blend the two together, that can only be healthy, right?  It's got to be better than ice cream for breakfast.  #keepingitreal

So, today is Day 1.  I weighed in this morning at 278.3 lbs, and the scale says my BMI is 43.6.  I didn't put this weight on in a day, so I don't expect it to come off in a day, but here in my little corner of virtual land, I will laugh and cry and pour out my frustrations and celebrate my successes.  But I will be honest.  Welcome to my journey.

Here Goes... Everything

Sometimes I feel like my brain moves way too fast.  I can barely keep up.  This blog is an attempt to get some of it out.  On paper, so to speak.  Maybe it will clear a little space in my head so I'm better equipped at dealing with reality.

Not that I can't deal with reality.  It's just that there's WAY TOO MUCH going on all at once.  I'm reminded of the ideal from some years ago now that a woman can do everything... have a fulfilling career, raise a family, care for a home, keep up her health, and maintain a healthy marriage.  I'm not so sure.  I think without a doubt that a woman can do anything, but I'm not convinced that a woman can do everything.  I'm not sure anyone can do everything.  At least not very well.  And this brings me to my current predicament.  I'm just not happy with where my life is.

And here's the thing.  I really don't have anything to complain about.  I make good money at a good job that I enjoy.  It's just I never wanted to be here.  This isn't the life I wanted.  So how did I end up here?  Well, some of the choices were mine, yes.  But some of the choices were made for me, and I deal with the card I'm dealt.  So, I try to practice gratitude.  I try to be positive every day.  I'm far from perfect, so I work on the things I know I can improve.  I am generous with my time and resources, probably too much so at times.

I look around me at some of the people I know and I see how much support they have around them in their families.  It's awesome.  Their families work together as a unit, each person playing a role in the family dynamic to get things done.  I'm not saying it's easy.  I'm not naive.  But they have support.  They depend on each other.  I feel so alone.  Everything is up to me.  Some might envy my independence, but when the banking, the grocery shopping, the pet care, the house maintenance, the car maintenance, the laundry, and going to work all fall on you, it can get a little overwhelming.  And then friends want to know why you don't want to go out.  I'm exhausted!  And it's not even done yet!  There are still piles and lists waiting to be completed.  I think, "I've got to simplify."  But the process of simplifying is too overwhelming in and of itself.  Who has time to clean out the garage or sort through the extra closet?  I'm too busy!

I grew up in a home where Dad went to work every day and provided for the family.  Mom stayed home and raised my brother and I, keeping the house clean and organized, preparing healthy meals for us every day, and staying involved in our lives.  I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.  And I always imagined that's how my life would be when I grew up.  Ha ha ha!  The joke's on me!  I was never even close to getting married when I was younger, I never had kids, and I certainly don't have a life like their life was.  More on that in a later post.

Today, as I begin this blog, I feel like that is the root of my dissatisfaction, and there's not much I can do to change it really.  What's the old expression?  "It takes two to tango?"  I'm not living the life I imagined.  I'm not living the life I wanted to live, and still want to live.  But I can't just go out and pick a man and say, "Hey, you, want to build an amazing life together?"  Well, I guess I could, but I don't think that would work out very well.  So I feel stuck here, in what should be a perfectly acceptable life, but one that isn't bringing me that satisfaction I seek.  I'm hoping this outlet will help me clarify my musings and hone in on what I need/want to do, because it's a jumbled mess in my head.

Until next time...
Over and Out