Here Goes... Everything

Sometimes I feel like my brain moves way too fast.  I can barely keep up.  This blog is an attempt to get some of it out.  On paper, so to speak.  Maybe it will clear a little space in my head so I'm better equipped at dealing with reality.

Not that I can't deal with reality.  It's just that there's WAY TOO MUCH going on all at once.  I'm reminded of the ideal from some years ago now that a woman can do everything... have a fulfilling career, raise a family, care for a home, keep up her health, and maintain a healthy marriage.  I'm not so sure.  I think without a doubt that a woman can do anything, but I'm not convinced that a woman can do everything.  I'm not sure anyone can do everything.  At least not very well.  And this brings me to my current predicament.  I'm just not happy with where my life is.

And here's the thing.  I really don't have anything to complain about.  I make good money at a good job that I enjoy.  It's just I never wanted to be here.  This isn't the life I wanted.  So how did I end up here?  Well, some of the choices were mine, yes.  But some of the choices were made for me, and I deal with the card I'm dealt.  So, I try to practice gratitude.  I try to be positive every day.  I'm far from perfect, so I work on the things I know I can improve.  I am generous with my time and resources, probably too much so at times.

I look around me at some of the people I know and I see how much support they have around them in their families.  It's awesome.  Their families work together as a unit, each person playing a role in the family dynamic to get things done.  I'm not saying it's easy.  I'm not naive.  But they have support.  They depend on each other.  I feel so alone.  Everything is up to me.  Some might envy my independence, but when the banking, the grocery shopping, the pet care, the house maintenance, the car maintenance, the laundry, and going to work all fall on you, it can get a little overwhelming.  And then friends want to know why you don't want to go out.  I'm exhausted!  And it's not even done yet!  There are still piles and lists waiting to be completed.  I think, "I've got to simplify."  But the process of simplifying is too overwhelming in and of itself.  Who has time to clean out the garage or sort through the extra closet?  I'm too busy!

I grew up in a home where Dad went to work every day and provided for the family.  Mom stayed home and raised my brother and I, keeping the house clean and organized, preparing healthy meals for us every day, and staying involved in our lives.  I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.  And I always imagined that's how my life would be when I grew up.  Ha ha ha!  The joke's on me!  I was never even close to getting married when I was younger, I never had kids, and I certainly don't have a life like their life was.  More on that in a later post.

Today, as I begin this blog, I feel like that is the root of my dissatisfaction, and there's not much I can do to change it really.  What's the old expression?  "It takes two to tango?"  I'm not living the life I imagined.  I'm not living the life I wanted to live, and still want to live.  But I can't just go out and pick a man and say, "Hey, you, want to build an amazing life together?"  Well, I guess I could, but I don't think that would work out very well.  So I feel stuck here, in what should be a perfectly acceptable life, but one that isn't bringing me that satisfaction I seek.  I'm hoping this outlet will help me clarify my musings and hone in on what I need/want to do, because it's a jumbled mess in my head.

Until next time...
Over and Out